Originally posted Saturday, June 1, 2013
As I prepared breakfast for my family this morning; I was almost brought to my knees by the news I overheard. News Channel 8 was reporting that a young African-American woman was snatched “in broad daylight” into a vehicle by “3 un-identified men” in the 3700 block of Martin Luther King Jr Ave SE right near Unity Health Care Clinic during RUSH HOUR —- which is an extremely busy area in general, but that street is a main street in SE, DC. She was taken (abducted) by the 3 un-identified men and assaulted at an un-disclosed location. I am appalled, ashamed, and afraid yet again by this news.
I’m appalled, because “again” nobody saw anything! Yet, many of times while riding on the bus in SE (as I grew up there and still frequent the area) I’ve overheard men and women, boys and girls, discussing people that they know who were advantage taken (raped, molested, or subjected to a pedophile in one form or another) and (in many cases NOT ALL) who knew the person (if they weren’t related to them) that committed the act against them.
However, “nobody saw anything, nobody knew anything, nobody did anything” and so it goes on and on! I’m ashamed, because “I am that young lady” because I too, have been advantaged taken not only in SE, but in that very proximity! I too, as the riders I’m appalled at on the bus, “Knew nothing, Said nothing and Did nothing!”
However, when I did attempt to pour my heart out to my father and to several officers at 7D from age 10 to approximately age 12; my claims were chalked up to: “you brought it on yourself, well if you hadn’t run away, Tiffany your sexually active, please and my favorite of all……. come here let me talk to you about the streets!”
I must say “a child with behavioral problems” can be, and probably is a victim! After those “adults” stared at me in disgust and disbelief, it forever left a negative imprint in my mind and heart, very similar to the men who’d taken advantage of me.
These men ((who were and still ARE in that neighborhood or close proximity = their in DC, MD or VA)) were allowed to roam the streets because nobody, not even my father or his mother believed me. My mother believed me “I could see it in her face and hear the guilt, reminiscent sigh in her voice” but …… My mother unfortunately was in a Nursing Home and couldn’t do anything about it other than attempt to get my father to act, hoping he’d get some more information and then get it handled accordingly.
It never happened.
Part of the reason is because my father was a “pedophile” himself! He was terminated from his job at my Elementary School because he was excused by a childhood female friend of mine, of molestation. I was questioned, my grandmother was questioned.
Although I don’t recall him being incarcerated, I do recall periods of him “disappearing!” I always thought he was away “abusing drugs” since I was very aware of his drug abuse and his trips away from home.
However, I have recently (2011 and this year) found information that confirms that my father was in fact an habitual pedophile! This man’s records are damn near a mile long! If you don’t believe me, please visit: http://casesearch.courts.state.md.us/inquiry/inquiryDetail.jis?caseId=00009812A5&loc=27&detailLoc=DSCR to see it for yourself!
If that link doesn’t work, please visit: http://casesearch.courts.state.md.us/inquiry/inquiry-index.jsp
Check the box at the bottom and “Agree” to the terms and conditions set forth to use the site. Then click “continue” once you’re on the following screen key in last name: Tyler First name: Wilton and then click search. Each case that will appear are his “it’s the same case, just duplicated.”
Click the first hyperlink on the far left side with the case number “00009812A5” next to it. If you look to the right “on the same line” the birthdate “04/1938” should also appear. If so, you’ve got the right case. Read that in a separate window or tab and then return once you’ve finished.
Now that you’ve seen it for yourself! NEVER doubt or question me again, (unless you’ve got more facts than I do; which is rare) that’s the first thing.
Also, note that I “don’t need to lie” on anyone for any reason! I also “don’t need to exaggerate!” So, Let’s continue…..
What’s sad and what’s even more shocking is “my father was able to report that I was molested at age 7 to a program I was placed in for juvenile in-patient treatment” yet I have no recollection of that, and when I told him that I was advantage taken, he “didn’t believe me.”
Or did he?! Or the worst thought to “ever” think, did he do it?! I don’t know. At this point in my life, I’m already “fucked up!” Seriously, I’m a great person, but I’ve been through so much that I don’t trust and I take nothing from anyone! Even those I should.
I don’t “want” to know anymore. The only question I want answered is “who my real father was” I still don’t believe or feel that Wilton was my “real = biological” father; that’s another post….. I can say this; my father “never felt comfortable with me around other males, not even little boys! Especially my first love, he had it out for the boy and he hung with his father! How absurd? I think he didn’t want me to “confide in him” anything that could be damaging.
My father did everything he could to keep me away from my first love and that’s why “we became so close” initially; effortlessly and then eventually on purpose.
We vowed to be there for each other and “love always” within reason and respect to our lives going forward. To this day, we have. My first love knew a lot and I believe he was certain there was some abuse taking place but he himself was a child, so what could he do? Not to mention, it took me years to trust him enough to “have the hypothetical conversation” about whether or not it were possible.
We agreed that it wasn’t worth going back, because it’s only going to damage me more. I’ve come a long way from that little girl I was. I’ve got a way to go, but “going back down memory lane, but picking up new memories along the way” isn’t the way to go forward.
BACK TO THE INITIAL POINT:
He (my father) was close to obsessive about my involvement with boys and I never “spiritually” was 100% comfortable around my father” He’d make statements that made me (hell some adult women) and some of my friends uncomfortable, he’d flirt with some of my friends as I reached my teenage years; so his behavior was ALWAYS questionable.
I believe a lot of “truth” was in my spirit and my spirit was telling me something that I never want to face!
I still even to this day struggle when asked specific questions about my father, because I feel in my spirit that he’s the first person to take advantage of me.
I believe my spirit is telling me that’s why when I came to him and spoke of different men “in the neighborhood” that had either come on to me, or I’d already been intimate with, but felt some type of guilt, because I felt like “this can’t be right” he turned his back to my cries, yet he interrogated me un-relentlessly, he tried to manipulate me especially as I begin to “Hang in the streets” and we would cross paths.
Something was terribly wrong in my home and to this day, when I ride past that house or am standing near or in front of it, hell sometimes even picturing that house “the pit of my stomach feels heavy, the hairs on my back stand up, and my spirit screams run Tiffany, run!”
Now let’s discuss why I’m afraid, as I’ve previously mentioned, I was a problematic child to say the least, but I was a victim, I am a victim.
I have never fully recovered from the abuse I’ve faced since a child. I have only survived the attacks! I still struggle with trusting; not only myself to discern the difference between a man appreciating you physically vs taking advantage of you.
I still struggle with believing and knowing I’m beautiful without craving attention through sensuality. Despite what narcissism or confidence you see! I still struggle with being comfortable going out of the house, spending the night out, etc….. because I don’t trust any man who I don’t know.
Honestly I barely trust the men I do know and love; inclusive of those in my family! Every man is a potential “rapist, pedophile, stalker, freak, molester, etc.” in my eyes…. EVERY! The slightest look, comment, or gesture, sets my soul on fire and I attack ANY pedophilia behavior or statements I see or “sense.”
Mind you, that’s not to say “they are” I’m saying that’s how “I view them” until they give me a reason not to. My husband for example was “a breath of fresh air” because I could see, smell, feel and taste his goodness. I could also see his guilt in “not knowing” that I was as young as I was, despite the fact that I was a legal adult. That made him even more attractive. It told me that he “Wasn’t on the prowl for a young, naive, girl” he truly wanted a woman and he viewed me as such, otherwise he wouldn’t have approached me and been interested in me sexually.
SO HERE’S WHY I DECIDED TO WRITE THIS CANDID POST:
I’m asking if it takes a village to raise a child, then where are all the village people? because I’d like to know! I’ve finally accepted my role as a village person in “04” after I buried my paternal grandmother, part of the Vault had been buried and I was now free to withdraw all the deposits I’d made and place them where I saw fit!
I’m now depositing all my stored experiences and knowledge into the village. There are young people, that need us!
There are young boys that need to be loved, taught, understood and in some cases disciplined! There are young ladies that need to hear the truth from women like myself!
They need “an open ear” not a judgmental face or tone. They need to feel comfortable enough to not only “expose” the deposits of their vault, but they need to feel comfortable knowing that “We will do something about it” and we won’t “blame” them for what has happened to them,regardless of their behavioral patterns!
As I sit here fighting back tears, because had I had the confidence then, that I have now to call these pedophiles out, maybe their son’s, brothers, fathers, grandfathers, etc wouldn’t be comfortable continuing to commit acts like this!
However, we still have an opportunity to prevent some of this.
What we can’t prevent we can seek justice for the victims! At this point, I’ve reached my emotionally capacity as I’m not as “open” as I appear to be, and just purging all the aforementioned has truly taken a lot of weight off my spirit!
Trust me I know “why the caged bird sings!”
I look forward to if not hearing or seeing your feedback, seeing your actions change things; not only in your life, but the lives of others!
With Love, HBIC_PHILANTHROPY