Originally Posted Tuesday, August 13, 2013
We as human beings are in fact that. Human. Meaning that no matter how perfect we attempt or believe ourselves to be; we are human. As humans, we feel, we hear, we see, we eat, we make mistakes, we overcome obstacles, we invent, we tear down, we rebuild.
Often times as parents we attempt or believe ourselves to be “super human.” In attempting or believing ourselves to be superhuman that’s where our fears, frustrations, intentions, love, loyalties, betrayals and aspirations lie.
Today I realized that as a parent I’m always going to “feel” unaccomplished to some extent. There’s always going to be something that I’d like for Jr to do or understand. I have to be comfortable “accepting” the fact that he may not be able to do certain things and there will be other things that he’ll excel in.
I also have to remain open-minded because I often grow weary when I don’t see progress especially after a duration of time.
It’s not easy. Each day for me and Jr is a daily trial and triumph. I have Bipolar Disorders; Jr’s diagnosed with Autism.
I’m honestly surprised that I ONLY cry or become argumentative or aggressive verbally when “at my capacity.” Rarely do I engage in physical altercations.
Often times my “fears” are what lead to my explosions. I have an extreme fear of death, well technically I’ve always had a fear surrounding “untimely unprepared for death.” I’ve had that fear because of my mother’s physical incapacitation and my father’s drug abuse.
Now that I have Jr and am married; that’s my fear for him. My fear is not only about the “untimely” death that could occur, it’s him being “unprepared” to take care of himself after we are gone.
As much as I try to exhibit patience; I fear that if I don’t try and “get Jr” to learn what I believe to be the essentials in ADL’s (activities of daily living) then he’ll be a dependent.
I don’t want Jr to be a dependent. The fear and the self induced pressure I place on myself to ensure (within my power and reason) that he doesn’t become a dependent, causes stress for both of us.
Jr get’s stressed because I’m noticing there are things “especially the small things” that he does need consistent reminders for. I’m even considering “re-introducing and maintaining” his visual supports alongside the written instructions.
I believe that’s what helped him get to the level he’s on today. However, there’s so many more hurdles I’d like to see Jr jump over by age 10. Otherwise, I’ll have to realistically consider his capabilities and potential for at least 80% independency.
I consider myself to be 80% independent. I equate it to 80% because I have the “intellect, buoyance, and resources” to be completely independent in regards to living alone, completing college, putting Jr through school, and pursuing a career; however due to decisions I’ve made against my better judgement and some were blatantly ignorant, I am not where I could and should be at my age and with my skill set’s potential.
I want Jr to be “better than his father and I” were and currently are!
I want Jr to be able to “identify his triggers” and be able to “work his way through them with little to no meltdowns” especially as he enters into adolescence. I’d also like for Jr to maintain his place in mainstream learning environments; the most I’d do is homeschool him IF mainstream proved to be threatening or too overwhelming.
I’d also like to see Jr complete high school, go to college (honestly whether he finishes or not, but I’d pray if he starts he’ll finish) and have a relationship that progresses into marriage.
We must continue to pray and have hope, but we can not live in hope. We must accept our realities, whatever they may be, no matter how mild or extreme.
These are my Ahhhhh Grrrr moments when I ponder over these things….