See the image that I created above. This is indicative of what takes place in the mind of someone with Bipolar whose going through a battle between their paranoia and proof.
Over the years, I’ve accepted that my paranoia isn’t always “out of nowhere!”
I truly have ESP and alongside my Bipolar and being a Virgo; I’m extremely in tune with the atmosphere and those in it.
Recently I’ve “assumed” that I was being paranoid, because at the moment specific people, incidents, or thoughts crossed my mind, and I didn’t have any tangible evidence to support what I was thinking or feeling.
As the weeks have progressed, the “proof” has since been revealed.
I have been telling my husband that I could sense “people” were talking about me negatively and “watching” me via the portals we’ve labeled as “social networking!”
Sure enough, I woke up a few mornings ago and saw someone that I’d ex-communicated returned to “Google +” then I saw this same individual randomly posts on Twitter and Instagram, somewhat avoiding Facebook. Now whether or not, she’s “on my line” or not; it’s extremely coincidental that she’s resurfaced “during this time I’ve had these feelings and thoughts.”
More “proof” came from my husband attending an event “where I wasn’t present” and my “name and age” were referred to negatively by someone “who shouldn’t even discuss me based on where they are in their lives and what they have; however this man can’t keep my name out of his mouth or my presence out of his mind and it’s been ten damn years!” I really need him to “get over me” and soon because I am already prepared to “eat his spirit” IF he dares to mention me in that context again!
I explained to my husband that I’m “well aware” of the differences in my paranoia and proof. I’ve reached out to my friends, family and more in an effort to “show” everyone how far I’ve truly come; especially in the last year!
I’ve made so many spiritual changes and they’re manifesting as the days go by. Physically I’ve changed also because I’m stressed and losing weight; however that comes with being Bipolar and my current environment and circumstances. Financially I’m still recovering not only from my episodes of frivolous spending, but my acts of “kindness” where I was victimized.
Yet, “my efforts” have gone not only “unacknowledged” but many haven’t and probably will never reciprocate. I’m done “reaching out to people” and I don’t care who they are or what they mean to me. After today, I’ll probably go “off the grid” in regards to those portals that I “know” I’m being tracked and watched on.
See my tweets:
Anyone else will have to “get in where they fit in!” I’ve reached out for as long & as far as my endurance, time, & humility will allow.
I’m learning to accept what I can’t have, is what I don’t need, what I need; I have & what I can’t change; God deals with it & protects me
For those of you trying to “sort through your thoughts or confirm your suspicions” please try these things the next time you experience such an epsiode(s):
Think about “What triggered” the thoughts of paranoia!
Write down what you “believe or know” triggered the thoughts.
Keep a rolling tab of the incidents that follow these thoughts. Compare what you “see” to what you “think!” Most times you’ll clear up or suppress any paranoia once you’ve done your own comparison. Well at least, I have numerous times.
Then, keep a record of the “proof” that you receive. Once you’ve received your proof, do your best to “re-program” your mind. Meaning “re-program” your mind to accept that “this particular incident or coincidence” was unrelated to anything else.
Last but not least, ex-communicate from anyone or anything that constantly makes you paranoid. Meaning if there’s a acquaintance, friend, co worker, or family member that you’d love to spend time with but you’re constantly battling with thoughts about “what are they thinking of me? why did they say that, like that? Are they judging what I’m saying right now? etc…” then it’s time to “cut them loose” because if they aren’t “openly” communicating with you; especially in regards to your Bipolar, then they may be. The few that aren’t “judging you” are definitely standoffish and distance, which is equally as angering and depressing.
Paranoia does provide proof. Sometimes paranoia is self induced. Most times paranoia is confirming something we feel and foresaw.
If you’re having trouble identifying paranoia vs proof then you may have to consult with a psychotherapist or psychiatrist; so that they can assist you in maintaining your mental health.
Many of us need to be “medicated” and “monitored” by mental health professionals. I’ve flown under the radar for 15 years however last year I resumed “psychotherapy” in an effort to prevent anymore of my “mental break” episodes; as I’ve had my last one to date last year.
I pray that you all continue to utilize the resources that are available to you, via all the technological platforms we have today.
As a blogger, I pride myself in giving you a piece of my heart and soul each time I write, because my message is my life. You aren’t alone, even if you “feel” that way or “physically” are living that way “spiritually” you aren’t alone.